FULL NAME: Dave (can’t say anymore, I might owe you money…)
LOCATION: Known only to the Federal Witness Protection Program
- 1970’s: My actual date of birth is unknown due to the imprecise nature of harvest and moon cycles in oral tradition.
- 1980’s: A team of therapists have traced the genesis of my issues to overexposure to Bob Saget at such an impressionable age.
- 1990’s: American popular culture and the American education system tag-teamed my fragile little mind.
- 2000’s: Missed part of it in a bomb shelter, re-experience the rest of it during semi-lucid flashbacks.
RIVALS: Gravity; grammar and syntax; various local, state and federal laws; and too much blood in my alcohol stream.
- Originality: (2) They don’t make ’em like me anymore.
- Presentation: (1) It’s a 1.5 if I shower and put pants on.
- Authenticity: (2) You can’t fake the funk.
- Intimidation Factor: (0) I would embolden the author of “Diary of a Wimpy Kid.”
- Political Incorrectness: (2) Eric Cartman is my muse.
- TOTAL: (7 to 7.5) Not a bad assessment of myself, if I do say so myself…