ADVANCED MASCOTOLOGY

***About the Author

And the Oscar for the Best Scene Involving a Mascot goes to...

FULL NAME: Dave (can’t say anymore, I might owe you money…)

LOCATION: Known only to the Federal Witness Protection Program

CONFERENCE: Independent

HISTORY:

  • 1970’s: My actual date of birth is unknown due to the imprecise nature of harvest and moon cycles in oral tradition.
  • 1980’s: A team of therapists have traced the genesis of my issues to overexposure to Bob Saget at such an impressionable age.
  • 1990’s: American popular culture and the American education system tag-teamed my fragile little mind.
  • 2000’s: Missed part of it in a bomb shelter, re-experience the rest of it during semi-lucid flashbacks.

RIVALS: Gravity; grammar and syntax; various local, state and federal laws; and too much blood in my alcohol stream.

RATING:

  • Originality: (2) They don’t make ’em like me anymore.
  • Presentation: (1) It’s a 1.5 if I shower and put pants on.
  • Authenticity: (2) You can’t fake the funk.
  • Intimidation Factor: (0) I would embolden the author of “Diary of a Wimpy Kid.”
  • Political Incorrectness: (2) Eric Cartman is my muse.
  • TOTAL: (7 to 7.5) Not a bad assessment of myself, if I do say so myself…
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4 Responses

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  1. Randall A. Kent said, on October 2, 2012 at 13:13

  2. Gordon said, on August 14, 2012 at 13:53

    Where does the picture come from?

    • Dave said, on September 5, 2012 at 05:03

      Old School, a great American love story.

    • Lulu said, on March 8, 2014 at 15:59

      thanks, joa! kelsey had some ralely great ideas. then we kind of just let things happen and I captured them hanging out. it was a beautiful afternoon!


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