The 2011 Mascotology Bowl Challenge (part 4 of 6)
(oh, and Baldwin…if you’re reading this…I updated the Cornholers page per your request)
Meineke Car Care Bowl of Texas: Texas A&M Aggies vs. Nortwestern Wildcats
The Meineke people aren’t the ones who will turn your muffler to gold with just a touch, but they will keep that titanium in your catalytic converter which might be worth more anyway depending on the market. I’m not sure those Meineke people would be thrilled to see either a Buick Wildcat (60’s lead sled) or a Bowler Wildcat (British off-roader) roll into the shop, but I’m thinking they’ll be better prepared to handle either one of those over an Aggie’s tractor or tank (depending on which of the A or M you emphasize). I know the game’s in Houston. I know that’s where Meineke was founded. I know the game’s logo is a football-shaped belt buckle. I don’t care. There’s no way you’re getting a Pershing or a John Deere up on a car lift…period.
WINNER: Willie the Wildcat
Hyundai Sun Bowl: Georgia Tech Yellow Jackets vs. Utah Utes
The folks at Hyundai would like you to know their name rhymes with Sunday. How ironic, a Korean company lecturing us on pronunciation. I’ll tell you what my Seoul-mates, when you can get through this sentence without screwing up, “Hey Henry, let’s go to Philadelphia for some fried rice,” I’ll be more receptive to Korean pronunciation guides. Hey, my wife and in-laws drive Hyundai’s religiously, so I feel like I’ve earned a pot shot. Speaking of driving, there’s no archeological evidence that the Utes took advantage of automobiles during the height of their culture…what?…oh, right cars weren’t invented yet. Nevertheless, those high country nomads would have adapted to a Hyundai (a modified Santa Fe four-wheel drive perhaps) the same way they adapted to the horse. The biggest nuisance is cleaning those Yellow Jackets off the windshield.
AutoZone Liberty Bowl: Cincinnati Bearcats vs. Vanderbilt Commodores
I’d like to thank the AutoZone promotions department for not succumbing to peer pressure from some of their competitors and avoiding a Tourette’s inspired jingle like: Oh-Oh-Oh…O’Reillyyyyyyy! or N-N-N-N-N-Napa knowhow! Those damn commercials get me dropping f-f-f-f-f-ing f-bombs quicker than Mahmoud Abdul-Rauf at the free-throw line. As far as these two mascots go, neither one has much use for an auto parts store: a Bearcat would get animal control called on him and there’s no way in hell a naval officer is working on his own car. In terms of liberty, if a bearcat (aka: wolverine) and a Commodore were to meet eye to eye, odds are it’ll be at the Memphis Zoo and I’ll let you guess which one is inside the cage…
WINNER: Mr. C
Kraft Fight Hunger Bowl: Illinois Fighting Illini vs. UCLA Bruins
What, did we run out of auto-related sponsors? As if one football game inside a baseball stadium wasn’t enough, San Francisco got into the act hosting this one in the Giant’s AT&T Park. How you gonna let a rival food company creep in and punk you like that in your own backyard, Rice-A-Roni? Speaking of getting punked, Illinois dumped their mascot Chief Illiniwek in 2007 amid pressure from the NCAA and the Peoria Tribe. So much for “fighting.” Bears, on the other hand, fight hunger by gorging up to 40 pounds a day during tourist season and then sleep it off all winter. Hmmm, that sounds like my eating habits from Thanksgiving to Christmas.
WINNER: Joe & Josephine Bruin
Chick-fil-A Bowl: Virginia Cavaliers vs. Auburn Tigers
In case you’ve never sat in a Chick-fil-A drive through on a Sunday afternoon wondering why nobody’s offering to take your order, let me save you the trouble. They’re closed. That’s right, the people who want you to “Eat mor chikin” also want you to make sure you get that done before the Sabbath. I wonder if those spokes-cows know they’re on the menu by default once a week. Somebody should call their agent. I also wonder if the Chick-fil-A people realize how long a college football game can last. I mean, kickoff in Atlanta is at 7:30 Eastern on Saturday night! If this game goes into overtime they’re almost guaranteed to still be playing after midnight!! That’s a 65-year tradition down the crapper!!! I mean, what are they going to do, cut the lights at 11:59 and call it a tie?! If that was the backup plan they should have scheduled the game at Candlestick!!!! Oh, I’m so distraught right now I can’t even concentrate.
WINNER: The dark side…
Ticketcity Bowl: Houston Cougars vs. Penn State Nittany Lions
…which explains why our next sponsor invited the most corrupt and repulsive football program in history down to Dallas to play in the most opulent and prodigious stadium in history. I hate to get all serious on you but it would have been real simple to send a message to Paternoville about how the rest of the nation viewed his administration’s lack of action, but not if there’s money out there to be made, right Ticketcity? We all know these bowl games and their sponsors are lurking in a cesspool of greed and corruption, but this one is so obvious I can’t even poke fun at it. Why the NCAA didn’t slap a postseason ban on Penn State as an appetizer for a death penalty entrée is beyond me. I guess they’re too busy fretting about recruiting violations and politically incorrect mascots to waste their time with some petty child molestation charges.
WINNER: Stub Hub