2011 Mascotology Bowl Challenge (part 3 of 6)
Champs Sports Bowl: Florida State Seminoles vs. Notre Dame Fighting Irish
Maybe you’re strolling through the mall and you’re saying to yourself, “Self, would I rather patronize Champs or Foot Locker?” Well, I’m here to save you some agony this Christmas season, because Foot Locker owns Champs so the money is all going to the same place. You can thank me later. I don’t know why Foot Locker wouldn’t slap their name on this bowl game instead…maybe it’s because people would wander onto the field confusing the referees for Foot Locker employees. “Do you have this in a ten-and-a-half?” Angry security meatheads horse-collaring potential customers is bad for business. The last time I strolled into my local, unfriendly, mall sporting goods store I didn’t notice flaming spears or green three-piece suits, so I’m not sure what Champs has to offer either mascot. I did notice the Irish mascot wearing sneakers in a Google image search however.
Valero Alamo Bowl: Washington Huskies vs. Baylor Bears
Who better to remember the Alamo than a chain of gas stations? I mean I’m sure Davey Crockett pictured some ten gallon wearin’, trophy wife havin’, Coupe de Ville with longhorns on the grill drivin’ Texas oil man livin’ the dream as they fought to the death against Santa Anna…right? Well, I know they’re handing out driver’s licenses (licensi?) like candy these days, but I have yet to see a bear or a husky filling ‘er up on the corner. Buuuut I could see a dog or a bear filling ‘er up on the crap they call “food” inside the gas station. Shoot, given the average husky runs 40-60 pounds, while the average bear runs 400-600, I could see the Bears filling ‘er up on some Huskies while their at it.
Bell Helicopter Armed Forces Bowl: Brigham Young Cougars vs. Tulsa Golden Hurricane
Do you think the Bell Helicopter people were pissed about Army and Navy not achieving bowl eligibility and Air Force going with Northrop Grumman? Then they offer bids to the flagship Mormon university, who skirmished with the US Armed Forces in the 19th Century and a program nicknamed after a weather event that isn’t exactly helicopter-friendly. I decided to check out the spin on the official Bell Helicopter Armed Forces Bowl webiste, but up jumped Lieutenant Dan on my screen like a bullet into Forrest Gump’s buttocks. I was so distracted I forgot what the hell I was doing there. Well played Bell Helicopter…well played.
WINNER: Doesn’t matter. LOSER: All my co-workers who will have to endure my Forrest Gump impressions today! Consider this an apology in advance…
New Era Pinstripe Bowl: Rutgers Scarlet Knights vs. Iowa State Cyclones
As if some of the previous sponsors haven’t been ridiculous enough, now we have a baseball cap manufacturer hosting a football game in Yankee Stadium, with the bowl game named after the most famous feature of the Yankees baseball uniforms. What?! Is this a plot to popularize pinstripes on football uniforms? Hopefully, the Yankees crew didn’t do a good job locking up the equipment room before they shut it down for the season. The Cyclones will make quite a spectacle with a funnel cloud full of bats and balls, but the Knights will truly impress by blasting that flotsam and jetsam over the short fence in right field.
WINNER: Scarlet Knight
Franklin American Mortgage Music City Bowl: Mississippi State Bulldogs vs. Wake Forest Demon Deacons
Your TARP money hard at work. I don’t know if Franklin American Mortgage actually received any bailout money from the taxpayers courtesy of our spineless federal government, but let’s pretend they did for the purposes of bashing them. They should be passing out bubble wands shaped like houses to the first 10,000 fans. Who knows, maybe Nashville doesn’t appreciate the irony of their bowl’s sponsor since their foreclosure rate is far below the national average. Documented income is key to qualifying for a mortgage in the post-housing bubble market, however. According to SimplyHired.com, dog models out earn deacons 56k to 52k annually, and that’s not even considering what a tough sell a Demon Deacon would be to a potential congregation given all the mixed messages in the name. (BTW: Bloggers average 32k…well isn’t that something to covet)
Insight Bowl: Iowa Hawkeyes vs. Oklahoma Sooners
Speaking of bubbles, do you remember when this thing was called the Insight.com Bowl? Back in the late 90’s people were throwing money at dot-com frat boys like they were tulip speculators in 17th Century Holland. Insight must have had something more to offer than just “hits” since they survived the rollercoaster, but they were wise to drop the dot-com label that had become about as popular as Charlie Sheen a couple of shows into his sold out tour. The Hawkeyes borrowed their nickname from the hero of The Last of the Mohicans, a renowned rifleman. The Sooners got their nickname by cheating in various land runs held in Oklahoma. Settlers lined up around the given boundaries ready to burst across and stake their claim at sunrise, only to find the best plots had already been taken the night before. Talk about insight…if the Sooners had been lined up around Iowa instead of Oklahoma back in the pioneer days, I guess we’d be calling them the Nebraska Hawkeyes, now wouldn’t we.