2011 Mascotology Bowl Challenge (part 2 of 6)
Sheraton Hawaii Bowl: Nevada Wolf Pack vs. Southern Mississippi Golden Eagles
My motel experience is much more extensive than hotels, but I’ll assume a Sheraton is a step up from Motel 6. With that understood, the odds of sneaking a pack of wolves or a flock of eagles past the front desk seems a bit slim. And even if they do make it to their respective suites, how long can the howling and screeching go on before security gets called and sees that Nevada’s room is shredded and Southern Miss’s wreaks of rotting fish and rodent carcasses. That bill is going to be tough to justify for either athletic department’s expense report. Honestly, the odds of the Wolf Pack even making it to the Islands are almost nil since swimming it will be much tougher than flying…they’ll probably get distracted by the Great Pacific Garbage Patch anyway.
WINNER: Seymore d’Campus
AdvoCare V100 Independence Bowl: Missouri Tigers vs. North Carolina Tarheels
This is the first bowl game I can think of sponsored by a specific product, not just a company. AdvoCare is a nutrition supplement company that features the V100 multivitamin as something “coaches looking for an NCAA permissible product for collegiate athletes” can use. Well I guess that makes sense, but is the pill cleared for feline use? Even if it is, are there any volunteers running around Shreveport, LA willing to shove a multivitamin down a tiger’s throat once daily? Probably not. So with the advantage of a 100% daily dose of many essential vitamins and minerals, the Tarheels should take this one in a rout.
Little Caesars Bowl: Western Michigan Broncos vs. Purdue Boilermakers
You’ll notice one of three things when leaving any Little Caesars: a pawn shop, an abandoned car or a robbery in progress. For those of you who have never been exposed to Little Caesars, it ranks on the pizza food chain somewhere between Tombstones and the “old” Dominos. Their tagline, “Pizza! Pizza!” may be the greatest ever conceived because the only positive thing you can say about their product is that…according to eyewitness testimony…it is in fact pizza. Acknowledging the Broncos might have the hook up with this Michigan based franchise hosting a bowl game in Detroit, I don’t think they’ll be able to get a pie with legumes and sugar cubes on it because we’re not talking the California Pizza Kitchen here. Just one look at a Boilermaker and you know those dudes have paid to eat worse things for lunch because they’ll simply chase it with their namesake (a boilermaker is a shot and a beer, for the unacquainted). So with a belly full of bad attitude, the Boilermakers will crush those famished ponies.
WINNER: Purdue Pete
Belk Bowl: Louisville Cardinals vs. North Carolina State Wolfpack
Isn’t a Belk Bowl what you need after a night of heavy drinking? Belk is the Kmart of the South, or at least that’s what Google says when you ask: “What the hell is a Belk?” It’s the ugliest name for a bowl game according to the Bleacher Report annnnd conventional wisdom. I guess the players shouldn’t mind though, since they get to choose their own swag from the flagship store in Charlotte, the same city hosting the game. Who would balk at a shopping spree in Belk? Speaking of shopping, which mascot owns the merchandising advantage in the Belk search engine? Cardinals: 8 items; Wolfpack: 34…ballgame!
WINNER: Mr. and Mrs. Wuf
Military Bowl–Presented by Northrop Grumman: Air Force Falcons vs. Toledo Rockets
This is the most appropriately sponsored bowl game so far. Northrop Grumman is the fourth largest defense contractor in the world, not that you could tell from the PR-laced introduction on their home page, which makes them sound as harmless as a Costco-sized Geek Squad. (Paraphrasing) “We are a global security company that offers innovative solutions…(reading between the lines) and if that doesn’t work we’ll flatten those bitches into a parking lot!!!” What better matchup to showcase for their top clients in Washington, DC, than a team named after one of their top products versus the team that knows how to use them. Therein lies the problem for the Rockets: the Falcons have been training their whole adult lives to blow your asses up.
WINNER: The Bird
Bridgepoint Education Holiday Bowl: California Golden Bears vs. Texas Longhorns
Who knew you’d find irony in shameless corporate sponsorship of amateur athletic events? Bridgeport offers an online alternative to those seeking under or post grad degrees who can’t fit traditional universities into their budget or schedule…you mean like Cal or Texas perhaps? Bridgepoint even has two campuses (campi?) of their own: Ashland University with no football team, and University of the Rockies with no athletic department. Is anybody else picking up on the contradiction here? Since the game is in San Diego, and the theme is deceit, then I’m going to have to side with the Bears on this one because we all know those furry little fuzzballs seem so cute and approachable right up until they swipe your face off.