The 2011 Mascotology Bowl Challenge (part 1 of 6)
The BCS and the accompanying Bowl system is a joke. Most of us realize that. So if you’re willing to make a mockery of your office Bowl Pool the same way you botched your bracket, let us be your humble guide. Since the Bowls aren’t seeded like teams are in March Madness, we’ll use the sponsors as a deciding factor, along with location and of course…the mascots.
Gildan New Mexico Bowl: Temple Owls vs. Wyoming Cowboys
Gildan is a global clothing producer based out of Montreal, Canada. So it makes sense they’d choose to host a bowl game in an international textile-production hub like…Albuquerque?! I thought the only thing the Duke City produced was dust storms and disappointment. I have no idea what drew French Canadians to the heart of the American Southwest, but I can guarantee they don’t manufacture clothes for Owls. Feathers will fly when Wyoming’s Cowboy fills the Temple Owl full of lead (and he’ll look good doing it in his brand new brown and gold threads).
WINNER: Pistol Pete/Cowboy Joe.
Famous Idaho Potato Bowl: Ohio Bobcats vs. Utah State Aggies
Formerly known as the Humanitarian Bowl (you know it’s a bad recession when a virtue gets replaced by a vegetable), this Boise-based barn-burner is trying to join the ranks of more prestigious plant-based bowls like the Peach, Cotton and Orange. According to the Idaho Potato Commission, Ohio is among the top consumers of spuds…advantage Bobcats. But Utah State’s blue and white blends in perfectly with Bronco Stadium’s “smurf turf”…advantage Aggies. Given the Aggies proximity to Boise and how a penchant for starchy foods makes for fat Bobcats, Ohio will get planted.
WINNER: Big Blue
R+L Carriers New Orleans Bowl: San Diego State Aztecs vs. Louisiana-Lafayette Ragin’ Cajuns
R+L Carriers is an Ohio based trucking company that will ship anything, anywhere, anytime…GUARANTEED! Depending on which version of history you believe, the Aztecs shipped themselves from Central Arizona, to Mexico City, laid low for about 400 years and then popped up at an SDSU frat party. So road tripping in an 18-wheeler to NOLA should be no sweat. Fortunately for the Cajuns, R+L can also be designated driver since their ragin’ asses will be all strung out on Sazerac and Hurricanes. Unfortunately, R+L can’t provide a remedy for the hangover, which the Aztecs will take full advantage of come gametime.
WINNER: Aztec Warrior/Zuma the Puma
Beef ‘O’ Brady’s Bowl St. Petersburg: Florida International Golden Panthers vs. Marshall Thundering Herd
I obviously don’t live within Beef ‘O’ Brady’s sphere of influence, because at first glance I assumed this was the college football version of Campbell’s Chunky Soup. In fact, “Beef’s” is a Florida based national chain of sports bar-n-grills founded to give neighborhood folks a place to “enjoy good food and sports in a fun, comfortable atmosphere.” FINALLY!! The funny thing is, I’ve spent my entire adult life frequenting such establishments and I’ve never even heard of Beef ‘O’ Brady’s. Yet their website would have you believe they invented and monopolized the concept. Therefore, the winner of this contest will be the mascot most able to completely destroy a Beef ‘O’ Brady’s restaurant. A panther let loose in the place could certainly clear out the patrons, shred the upholstery and piss in so many corners Mike Rowe wouldn’t volunteer for the cleanup crew…but alas, that just won’t cut it. With any luck, a Thundering Herd could flatten multiple locations before police close in and add them to the menu for just $2 more than a beef patty.
WINNER: Marco the Buffalo
San Diego County Credit Union Poinsettia Bowl: Texas Christian Horned Frogs vs. Louisiana Tech Bulldogs
They will let seriously let ANYONE sponsor a bowl game. What’s next, the Smith, Callum, O’Donnell & Smallwood Personal Injury Bowl? Bring in your ticket stub for free legal advice? Unbelievable. The deciding question here is which mascot would SDCCU be more likely to loan money? A bulldog seems like trustworthy character, but he is after all a dog, and will probably start chewing on the poinsettias, making himself violently sick and thus drawing his judgement into question. The frog, typical of his unshakable patience, will wait until after the bulldog shits the bed to produce a copy of The Frog Prince. Using the Brother’s Grimm fairytale as a business model, the credit union will have no choice but to loan him ample cash and flowers for his global princess kissing tour.
WINNER: Super Frog
MAACO Bowl Las Vegas: Arizona State Sun Devils vs. Boise State Broncos
“Uh-oh. Better get MAACO!” (beep, beep). Damn catchy tag lines! We all know what MAACO does, but which mascot would most benefit from their services? Presumably they have a ton of experience fixing up old Ford Broncos, even ones that carried former Heisman Trophy winners with a guilty conscience and a gun to their own head. A sun devil is another name for a dust devil, a whirlwind that spontaneously forms in the desert whipping up dirt. What better windfall for an auto body shop than a sand-blasting, paint-peeling, window-shattering mini tornado blowing right into the Las Vegas desert. Uh-oh…