ADVANCED MASCOTOLOGY

The 2011 Mascotology Bowl Challenge (part 1 of 6)

Posted in Uncategorized by Dave on December 7, 2011

The BCS and the accompanying Bowl system is a joke. Most of us realize that. So if you’re willing to make a mockery of your office Bowl Pool the same way you botched your bracket, let us be your humble guide. Since the Bowls aren’t seeded like teams are in March Madness, we’ll use the sponsors as a deciding factor, along with location and of course…the mascots.

Gildan New Mexico Bowl: Temple Owls vs. Wyoming Cowboys

Gildan is a global clothing producer based out of Montreal, Canada. So it makes sense they’d choose to host a bowl game in an international textile-production hub like…Albuquerque?! I thought the only thing the Duke City produced was dust storms and disappointment. I have no idea what drew French Canadians to the heart of the American Southwest, but I can guarantee they don’t manufacture clothes for Owls. Feathers will fly when Wyoming’s Cowboy fills the Temple Owl full of lead (and he’ll look good doing it in his brand new brown and gold threads).

WINNER: Pistol Pete/Cowboy Joe.

Famous Idaho Potato Bowl: Ohio Bobcats vs. Utah State Aggies

Formerly known as the Humanitarian Bowl (you know it’s a bad recession when a virtue gets replaced by a vegetable), this Boise-based barn-burner is trying to join the ranks of more prestigious plant-based bowls like the Peach, Cotton and Orange. According to the Idaho Potato Commission, Ohio is among the top consumers of spuds…advantage Bobcats. But Utah State’s blue and white blends in perfectly with Bronco Stadium’s “smurf turf”…advantage Aggies. Given the Aggies proximity to Boise and how a penchant for starchy foods makes for fat Bobcats, Ohio will get planted.

WINNER: Big Blue

R+L Carriers New Orleans Bowl: San Diego State Aztecs vs. Louisiana-Lafayette Ragin’ Cajuns

R+L Carriers is an Ohio based trucking company that will ship anything, anywhere, anytime…GUARANTEED! Depending on which version of history you believe, the Aztecs shipped themselves from Central Arizona, to Mexico City, laid low for about 400 years and then popped up at an SDSU frat party. So road tripping in an 18-wheeler to NOLA should be no sweat. Fortunately for the Cajuns, R+L can also be designated driver since their ragin’ asses will be all strung out on Sazerac and Hurricanes. Unfortunately, R+L can’t provide a remedy for the hangover, which the Aztecs will take full advantage of come gametime.

WINNER: Aztec Warrior/Zuma the Puma

Beef ‘O’ Brady’s Bowl St. Petersburg: Florida International Golden Panthers vs. Marshall Thundering Herd

I obviously don’t live within Beef ‘O’ Brady’s sphere of influence, because at first glance I assumed this was the college football version of Campbell’s Chunky Soup. In fact, “Beef’s” is a Florida based national chain of sports bar-n-grills founded to give neighborhood folks a place to “enjoy good food and sports in a fun, comfortable atmosphere.” FINALLY!! The funny thing is, I’ve spent my entire adult life frequenting such establishments and I’ve never even heard of Beef ‘O’ Brady’s. Yet their website would have you believe they invented and monopolized the concept. Therefore, the winner of this contest will be the mascot most able to completely destroy a Beef ‘O’ Brady’s restaurant. A panther let loose in the place could certainly clear out the patrons, shred the upholstery and piss in so many corners Mike Rowe wouldn’t volunteer for the cleanup crew…but alas, that just won’t cut it. With any luck, a Thundering Herd could flatten multiple locations before police close in and add them to the menu for just $2 more than a beef patty.

WINNER: Marco the Buffalo

San Diego County Credit Union Poinsettia Bowl: Texas Christian Horned Frogs vs. Louisiana Tech Bulldogs

They will let seriously let ANYONE sponsor a bowl game. What’s next, the Smith, Callum, O’Donnell & Smallwood Personal Injury Bowl? Bring in your ticket stub for free legal advice? Unbelievable. The deciding question here is which mascot would SDCCU be more likely to loan money? A bulldog seems like trustworthy character, but he is after all a dog, and will probably start chewing on the poinsettias, making himself violently sick and thus drawing his judgement into question. The frog, typical of his unshakable patience, will wait until after the bulldog shits the bed to produce a copy of The Frog Prince. Using the Brother’s Grimm fairytale as a business model, the credit union will have no choice but to loan him ample cash and flowers for his global princess kissing tour.

WINNER: Super Frog

MAACO Bowl Las Vegas: Arizona State Sun Devils vs. Boise State Broncos

“Uh-oh. Better get MAACO!” (beep, beep). Damn catchy tag lines! We all know what MAACO does, but which mascot would most benefit from their services? Presumably they have a ton of experience fixing up old Ford Broncos, even ones that carried former Heisman Trophy winners with a guilty conscience and a gun to their own head. A sun devil is another name for a dust devil, a whirlwind that spontaneously forms in the desert whipping up dirt. What better windfall for an auto body shop than a sand-blasting, paint-peeling, window-shattering mini tornado blowing right into the Las Vegas desert. Uh-oh…

WINNER: Sparky

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7 Responses

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    • Kaleb said, on March 8, 2014 at 08:16

      Isn’t this dog awesome? One of my pups is super enretegic so I plan on training her in agility, dancing, and do I dare say it? Skateboarding . Cool video, keep them coming!

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    • Valentina said, on July 29, 2013 at 05:18

      Good luck to all the causes, all so dniervseg! 1100 people (children & adults) die every year in the UK from epilepsy related causes. Shockingly 40% deaths can be prevented. We at Epilepsy Sucks UK fund anti-suffocation pillows to help prevent suffocation while sleeping, during and following a seizure consciousness is impaired so the awareness level of the surroundings and sleep position can mean the difference between life and death. The pillows are a class 1 medical device but cost a345 each to purchase due to the nature of the condition many people in financial difficulty (parents, carers & people with epilepsy) this a345 out lay is unaffordable. a3200 to us means 4.5 people will have the extra security of knowing they can sleep safer by reducing their risk of suffocation. Thank you x

      • Medita said, on March 8, 2014 at 05:34

        That takes us up to the next level. Great pognits.

    • Paul said, on August 28, 2013 at 22:10

      what he wants to say3. Bubba says he hit the shot out of the woods with his eyes closed. What?!?!?4. Bubba prevod an American other than Phil and Tiger could win the Masters.5. He is married to a woman who is 6’4 tall. That’s awesome!6. He grew up in lower Alabama (otherwise known as the panhandle of Florida)7. He adopts kids.8. He makes music videos in overalls.9. He puts interviewers on edge with his own questions.10. He can hit a golf ball clean out of Samford Stadium.

    • Jonas said, on October 25, 2013 at 16:05

      Based on your feedback I am now paelsed to say that we have developed a downloadable template for use with Boardmaker. There is one for NRL and AFL we have also included instructions on how to adapt these for each round of the season. Happy Tipping!!!


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